Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

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Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:11 am

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?â€
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Norma » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:19 pm

I'M NOT LAUGHING!!! I SWEAR IT IS THE DOCTOR WHO HAS THE BAD EYESIGHT!!!

thanks for the laughs Fantasia... I can see you doing this one : If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
"'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.' ~Unknown "
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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby vicky » Sat Feb 09, 2008 1:34 pm

you are cruel...do you know how rough my throat feels after laughing !

ps thanks
keep the faith
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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Mon Feb 11, 2008 4:29 am

There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.

Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go
get the farmer, save me, save me!!!"

The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he
gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos
the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says,
"Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life..."

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the
chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help
me!!! Go get the farmer!!!"

So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you." The horse
stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my
*beep*." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the
horse saves the chickens' life.

So whats the moral of the story???

If you have a *beep* the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW
to pick up chicks.


***********************

Little Johnny's mother took him to church one Sunday.

While in church Johnny said, "Mom, I have to pee."

"Johnny", the mother began, "It's not appropriate to say the word
'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just
tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, Johnny went to church with his Father and
during the service said to his father, "Dad, I have to whisper."

His father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in
my ear."

***************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

******************

Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way.

Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air
and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened.

An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his
friend told him to try a third time.

.. "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrows."
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Mon Feb 11, 2008 5:15 am

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks,
and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the
door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was
drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No,get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man
and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what
happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way
to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on
that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened
if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter,"
says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the
stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and
he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are
you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Norma » Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:56 am

HA HA HA HA........... oh crud... way too funny.......
"'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.' ~Unknown "
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Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:54 am

Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:56 am

His and her road trips
HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:57 am

Men advising women
Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Norma » Thu Mar 20, 2008 12:49 pm

HA HA..... so true things some men say.... gee, when I think about it... I hear it often too.... such as I wanted new carpeting and was told the one that is falling apart was just fine, got years left in it..... hummmm, that is not what the vaccume says! lol thanks for the jokes Fantasia
"'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.' ~Unknown "
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Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:16 pm

> > ''THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST AND BEST FAIRY TALE!' > >


> > Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?' The girl
> > said: 'NO!'
> > And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
> > dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
> > had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't
> > get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all
> the hot water to herself.
> > She went to the theater, never watched
> > sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
> > high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
> > sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.
> > The End.
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Norma » Sat Mar 29, 2008 10:29 pm

ha ha ha ha.... I'm laughin' thought there would be a *bleep* in there! ha ha ha....
"'Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.' ~Unknown "
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Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
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RE: Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Postby Fantasia » Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:36 am

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on
the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger,'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do
you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know sh_it?
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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What attracts a Woman to a Man...

Postby Fantasia » Sat Mar 21, 2009 12:16 pm

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected...
I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the
other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

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Fantasia
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